Allow sperm to perish....
"I mean, it's premium sperm - look at the beautiful babies it creates!"
That was one of two options we've just been given from our fertility clinic. Either that or pay to continue with sperm storage. There could be more pleasant topics of conversation, since we are both sperm dodgers, but we had to consider our options. In all honesty, I would've preferred not to have to even think about this right now. It would be much easier to wait until our baby is here, or maybe a few weeks after that as postnatally I'm a hormonal disaster. I go from cheerful, grateful new mum who is coping well to uncontrollable ugly-crying, snot-faced mess who can't remember my name or if I've changed my underwear. If we waited we could discuss it rationally and logically and then pass on our decision, but the timing is based on when we originally put that sperm in our online shopping basket and every year we have to decide if we want to pay to keep it frozen or not.
On the positive, discussing it did make us realise that we were both thinking the same thing and we both agree with our decision. L has been avoiding the subject for months as she wants to get rid of it and she was worried I'd feel otherwise. She even suggested selling it at a car boot sale as long as we don't keep it. I don't blame her. I mean, it's premium sperm - look at the beautiful babies it creates!!! Obviously, I'll take a bit of credit for that too.
It opens up discussions no-one would want to have right now. I'm almost into the eighth month of pregnancy and our baby isn't here yet. The awful thoughts of - what if something went wrong now, would we want to try again? Would we ever feel like it was the right thing to do? It doesn't bear thinking about. IVF was so much hard work so I definitely wouldn't be up for that again. Plus if something bad happened with this pregnancy, neither of us would fare very well. We would both like to have three children and that's what we have right now. This little baby inside of me says hello every single day, reminding me they are there when I'm too preoccupied with work or hectic times with our family, so to me they are here. I know them a little already and I'm sure it's a girl. We've even started referring to the bump as a she and have only managed to agree on a girl's name, which is another thing we need to discuss. So we do have the three children we wanted. Decision made.
One thing we are certain of is we definitely don't want four tiny humans. L would not entertain that idea. I would be divorced before I knew it and I'm feeling so worn out that it's simply not an option. In a way, it's good for me to get that clear in my head now as after the birth each time I've felt an overwhelming need to have another baby. It's like Mother Nature going crazy on me and convincing me that my duty as a women is to simply create these tiny, blond-haired, blue-eyed babies. I put it down to the hormones as even now life is getting easier with the girls (well, apart from Chaotic not sleeping and hitting the terrible twos with a giant thud). But they are getting older, and understand more, so even this baby will be a shock to the system for us both. Admittedly, in the back of my mind, I do wonder if I'll feel differently once the little one has arrived, but I need to remind myself that there is more to me than just being a baby allotment and a mum. Which is easier said than done as for the last five years I've been pregnant or breastfeeding for part of each year. It's become my norm and my comfort zone. L wants me back to being Katy and not just a mum and so do I. So I've just got to work out how to be both.
So that's it. The confirmation has been sent and we've agreed to let the sperm perish. So, thank you donor sperm. You've been amazing and helped us create some beautiful tiny humans but your job here is done. No more Robson-Malone babies after this one. I'm not sure the world could cope with another one of these characters. And my uterus is definitely closed for business from 2018.
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