The unachievable sleep goals of a sleep deprived mother

"At 4am, I fling a boob at her"



Sleep has been bad of late. There's not been much of it and what there has been has been of poor quality. Trouble is when you have more than one child the opportunities for sleep are limited, as someone always wants something. I was told I looked better when I finished the half marathon than how I looked the other day, so it must be bad! Cheers for that comment!

 

Maybe you can relate - when a tiny human wakes up, you need it to be early enough to be confident they will go back off to sleep or late enough for acceptance to kick in that the day is beginning... anything in between is a BAD place to be. My squint-eye told me it was the hour of four the other morning. That is a bad time.

 

The journey, when you reach the moment you give in and know you're up for the day, can be treacherous. Ridiculous o'clock, that's the hour of four for me, but you're still hopeful they may go back to sleep. You're like a zombie thinking, "Two more hours, I could get before the other kids get up. Two whole hours".

 

So there's me at 4am, I fling my boob at her. That's got to work. That'll make her sleepy. I manage to feed her lying down and think, "Yep, I've nailed it! I have magic boobs. She'll be asleep in no time and I'll be producing those sleep hormones too, so win-win. You're teetering on the edge of the bed, but it's a compromise right? You could get more sleep. MORE SLEEP. She's chomping away, soothing her sore gum and your nipple is sore but think of those two hours. Then you're getting cold. You haven't got your duvet on you, but you can't reach it to pull it up. You try and kick it up with your foot without success, and you moving stops her feeding, and you realise it's a no-go. I'd rather freeze if I can get two hours sleep. She latches back on and you're ok. You're still sleepy and you can sleep cold. It'll be ok. Two hours, man! That's all I need and I can survive. Then she stops feeding and she's not asleep. Ok, I've got this. I can swap her over that's no problem. Plus it's my more comfy side. You have a comfy side, don't you? But no! She won't latch. She's crying. L will wake up - she has work. I just need two hours. Calpol! That's what I will do. Yep, it's teeth. Calpol down nicely. Ok, dummy in and off to bed. Put her down in the cot and walk sheepishly back to bed. Just as you get all comfy in your fleece fresh bedding, she starts crying again. The frickin' dummy. Right, it's back in. I've totally got this. One hour and a half. Yep, I can make it through just with one hour and a half. Nope, she's crying.

 

Ok, change of tactic required. Scoop her up and off to the spare bed. I don't need sleep. Even if I'm lying down, I'm resting. She is snuggling in. My arm is trapped under her. It's a Janice from Friends moment. It's ok, I can rest with my arm like that. Might even get an hour's sleep here. Aww, she's so cute, all snuggled in. Oh no, her legs are kicking. Shit, she's making awake noises, not sleepy noises. I can still do this. Quick change of position. More blanket. The warmer she is, the more she will sleep. Ooh, she's relaxing. An hour. Even if I have an hour...

 

Then bang! She's smacked me in the face. She's now repeatedly hitting me in the face. She could still go to sleep though, couldn't she? Lie still. Don't move. Keep you're eyes closed. Show no weakness.

 

She's crying! There's no stopping it. Can't risk the other kids waking up. Best get up.

 

Game over. It's 4:37.

 

Good job she is cute!

 

 

Check back every other Friday to read Katy’s latest column or catch up with them all here.

 

 

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