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Hot Stuff: She won't leave me alone

The relationship's over but this reader's ex is baiting her via Facebook. Our sexpert wades into the fray

Gemma Halsey

Wed, 21 Nov 2012 12:16:22 GMT | Updated 4 years today

Dear Hot Stuff,


I was going out with this girl who I was strangely into very quickly, too quickly. I'm not sure if it was love - more like lust, I think. Anyway, once the fog cleared, I realised she wasn't what I wanted and I left her as soon as I could. The thing is, she is absolutely hung up on me, a bit unnaturally so. Posting (sometimes rather spiteful and mean) things on Facebook in regard to me, when, even though she blocked me, she knows perfectly well that we have friends in common.


When we were together I realised how addicted to drama she was, with a tendency to have awfully melodramatic and exaggerated reactions to things. Maybe this is just more of that, but surely she should really be over it by now... I am. What do you think? 


Lara from Peterborough



Dear Provoked from Peterborough,


The fun fun fun of having a psycho ex. I would hazard a guess that just about everyone has one in the closet somewhere. Exes are special. Why, only last week in this column I was extolling the benefits of that one special ex who will always be there for you and with whom it's possible to have a unique relationship. But on the flipside there is always going to be that one crazy one. The one of whom you can't help but think: WTF? 


You seem to have a good grip on things, Provoked, and it definitely sounds like simple attention-seeking to me. Paradoxically, the fact that she was the one to block you on Facebook confirms this for us. (Ah yes, Facebook; the mother of all evils when it comes to relationship over-analysis.) She's trying to have an impact. If she genuinely wanted nothing at all ever to do with you, she would block all of your friends too, so that no news of her ever reaches your ears. She would block your dog, your brother, your cousin twice-removed and that guy from America who bought you shots that one time. But no, only blocking you and then continuing to post things is certainly provocation. Plus, it's really rather low. 


The thing that she doesn't get is that you've moved on. 


For goodness sake, don't reciprocate. Let this person do what they want if it makes them feel happy. Some people handle break-ups differently. Sometimes people who feel down can lash out. People who have been hurt can simply refuse to accept that it was anything to do with them and lay the blame on everyone else. Personally, after break-ups I tend to keep a low profile and look after myself but that's just me. For others, resorting to petty meanness can be cathartic.


The answer, I think, Provoked, is to let it go. If nothing happens, hopefully she'll stop trying to get a rise out of you. Ninety-nine point nine times out of a hundred, this is all it takes to effectively see off a psycho.


However - if things escalate (if she threatens you, for example, or takes to showing up at your house or place of work / study in a way you find scary or intimidating), contact the good people at either or for advice.




Have an issue that you would like to see treated? All queries will be kept anonymous, except of course if tweeted, in which case they might be a little less anonymous.


Email or tweet @GemmaHalsey

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