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A very les Christmas message

One imagines how lesbian alternatives to The Queen’s Message might look

Wed, 05 Dec 2012 16:12:57 GMT | Updated 4 years today

Christmas just wouldn't be Christmas without it. The BBC's televised Queen's Message on Christmas Day has been a part of the festive season since it first aired in 1957, providing us with some (scripted) insight into Her Majesty's thoughts about the year that's been and the meaning and significance of Xmas to members of the royal household and the nation.


As you're no doubt aware, in recent years various alternatives have been offered by other channels. To date, celebrities and fictional characters including Shameless' Frank Gallagher, The Simpsons, Ali G and Jamie Oliver have all have a shot at it. But here at DIVA, of course, we've been wondering what a lesbian Christmas message might look like.


With a bit of brainstorming (and please remember - in brainstorming there are no bad ideas, apparently) we came up with a few options…





From atop a high and uncomfortably-wobbling stool in a dark and crowded lesbian bar, a scene spokeslesbian chugs on a beer and loudly recaps all the break-ups and hook-ups among her group of friends over the past 12 months, stopping now and again to lip-synch along to Pink's Raise Your Glass or similar.


This is one you could conceivably do yourself; simply have a friend record you on their phone and upload to YouTube. We accept no responsibility for the possible social fall-out if you do this, but don't forget to send us a link.


Difficulty rating: 2/5





Ah, Lip Service. We remember it fondly and I for one live in (admittedly increasingly faint) hope it'll be re-commissioned for a third series. In the absence of news to that effect, however, I have been forced to imagine the cast getting together informally to address our lesbian nation.


It would go something like this:


Out-of-focus close-up of a fraction of an enormous Christmas tree covered in baubles and fairylights pulls back to reveal that LEXY and SAM are sitting very close together on a large brown leather couch in an implausibly large apartment. [NB: Heather Peace's Christmas album 'Peace on Earth', which I'm going to suggest right now she records pronto plays softly in the background]. They are wearing matching chunky Christmas jumpers with reindeer on them and sip Hibiscus and Gogi berry tea from matching mugs. A very cosy scene indeed.


LEXY: [looking directly at camera] My fellow lesbians…


SADIE: [bursting in wearing leather jacket clearly stuffed with banknotes]: *&%$*!!! I think I've done something irresponsible and possibly short-sighted.


LEXY: Ahm, not now Sadie, I'm addressing the lesbian nation.


SAM: [furrows brow]


TESS: [bursting in on roller skates, still sniffing Lexy's pillow] Lexy, there you are! I've been looking for you for seven months! [notices SAM] Oh god, please tell me you didn't go over to Sam's to film a sex scene at the end of episode six.


LEXY: [looking guilty] Ah.


TESS: You did, didn't you? This is the worst Christmas ever. [she falls and lies on the carpet]


SAM: [urgently, into police radio clipped to her Christmas jumper] Ryder? We have a situation. [looks at SADIE, who is sat on the floor counting out the banknotes she has had stuffed in her clothing] Actually, make that two situations.


Camera closes in again all blurry on the Christmas tree and pretty lights.


Difficulty rating: 4.5/5





The DIVA team sit at their desks, typing away very industriously. They're on press deadline, and there is a slight whiff of muted panic and over-brewed coffee in the air. A single four-inch piece of tinsel is draped artistically over a computer monitor. Every few minutes one of the team look up and for a second it looks like they're going to say something, but then they go back to their typing.


Difficulty rating: 1/5



These are just three of many possible lesbian Christmas messages, of course. Please feel free to add your suggestions below, should you be so inclined.


Thanks for reading and Merry Christmas!


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