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Hot Stuff: Is she too close to her ex?

How close is too close for comfort? DIVA's sexpert gets stuck in

Gemma Halsey

Thu, 15 Nov 2012 17:33:32 GMT | Updated 4 years today

Dear Hot Stuff,


I'm freaked out by the relationship that my current girlfriend has with her ex. They are best friends - calling one another all the time and sleeping over about once a week. They've been broken up for around a year and I'm just not sure it's been enough time. They still call each other by their affectionate names.... It's a bit weird, isn't it? Plus, I did a bad thing. I broke into her telephone read her text messages. They look exactly like the text messages she sends me, all lovey-dovey but nothing sexual. 


I feel bad for having looked though. What should I do?


Camille from Hexham



Dear Hacker from Hexham,


I have regular emails in regard to this issue. I think it wouldn't be too far from the mark to suggest that intense proximity between lesbian exes is really rather commonplace. As someone who actually enjoys an exceptionally close relationship with my own ex, I'm inclined not to be intimidated when I go out with people who are familiar with this kind of closeness. Moreover, I actually think it's a sign of emotional maturity. It's saying: 'Hey, we are no longer together, but I'm not going to let all of that love and all of that energy go to waste.'


Having said all of that, there are, of course, limits. 


It's up to you to establish where these limits are and how to impose them, together. If you genuinely feel them sleeping together (as friends) to be too much for you then tell your girlfriend that you're uncomfortable with it. Only by entering into a conversation with her can you establish if it's innocent or not. 


Dialogue, conversation and negotiation, these are the keys to this kind of sensitive subject. Again, I know because I've been there. The thing you have to understand is that, exes or not, they are best friends and until the day that you become her best friend, you can't interfere with that friendship. UNLESS, you have a really serious feeling that something a little more than friendly is afoot.


What did you find in her messages that you didn't already know? Do you feel better or worse for having looked? If you genuinely suspect your girlfriend of being dishonest about the nature of her feelings/relationship with her ex, don't make it worse by lying too. 


You know the way forward. Communication, understanding and compromise from both parties. 



Have an issue that you would like to see treated? All queries will be kept anonymous, except of course if tweeted, in which case they might be a little less anonymous.

Email or tweet @GemmaHalsey




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