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The Twelve Days Of Christmas: A Seasonal Poem

Sarah Leeves is funny. Fact. Here's her take on an Xmas classic

Sarah Leeves

Wed, 19 Dec 2012 17:36:11 GMT | Updated 4 years today

Ever get the feeling things are moving too fast? Is it you or is it her? It's definitely all in my imagination though. I mean, Christmas will be a good indicator and it's not like she's gone over the top on presents surely? Let's see…


On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...


A 12 day course on plumbing (practical at least, the pipes at my place are always up the chute)


11 nozzles for piping (aww, she understands my passion for baking, I'll repay her with cake)


A 10 pack of Snickers (not actually a fan of nuts, I've told her five times)


9 pairs of knickers (red lace with black trim; better show some interest in sex)


8 beers for drinking (I'm a wine girl, does she know me?)


A 7 day pass for swimming (is she saying 'tone up'? Not sure on this one.)


6 page guide to rimming (yeah, I don't see that happening)


A 5 diamond ring (erm, we've been going out two months…)


4 missed calls (I saw you an hour ago, I'm busy OK?)


3 long texts (I'm getting kinda freaked now)


2 leather gloves (that's a present I actually wanted! Oh, she bought them for her Mum… bugger)


And The L Word boxset, season 3 (ah cool, but I haven't actually got season 1 or 2. Oh, that's OK, she's got them… and she's carrying a suitcase… and a pot plant. Is she moving in? Did I agree to this?)


The whole thing is awkward. I only got her a necklace… and I spelt her name wrong on the card.


Merry Christmas!



Follow Sarah on the Twitter: @sleevsie22


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