Your favourite flicks with a sapphic twist
BY ROXY BOURDILLON
Whenever there are two women onscreen with their faces less than a foot apart, I inadvertently start shouting at the TV. “Kiss! Come on, girls. Have a little kiss!”
I’m aware this makes me sound like a predatory lesbian Benny Hill. I assure you I’m not. I’m just your average gay woman, so starved of entertainment which looks anything like her life she’s been driven to yelling at the tellybox. So you can imagine how thrilled I was when I heard the rumour about a lesbian remake of Brokeback Mountain.
Sadly, it looks like that was just some internet wind-up merchant building my hopes up and then smashing my cinematic dreams to pieces. But the hoax did get me wondering, what films would I love to see given a lesbian makeover?
My first thought is naturally EVERY MOVIE EVER. I started making that list but then several decades past so to save us all time, I’ve cherry-picked a few for your consideration.
I’ve met dozens of lesbians who are dead ringers for baby faced Leo, but after much deliberation I’m going with Hannah Hart as Jackie Dawson. She’s got that floppy blonde swagger down and as an added bonus she could cheer everyone up with a few gags when the ship started to sink. (Oops, was that a spoiler?) For the part of Rose I will cast myself because child-me would never forgive adult-me if I passed up this imaginary opportunity. A large chunk of my adolescence was spent flinging myself around my mother’s living room re-enacting this very blockbuster to an audience of none. Altogether now, “Paint me like one of your French girls, Jackie.”
Charlie’s Angels, 2000
OK, so for this remake of a remake let’s keep the same cast because I for one would really like to see Lucy Lui, Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz play gay. But Charlie definitely needs a gender swap. We don’t want our new favourite feminists having to obey some dude who never makes eye contact. I vote for Ellen DeGeneres as the replacement Charlie. I can just see her now, sipping cocktails on the beach like a boss and Skyping friendly orders to her team of ass-kicking angels.
Bride Wars, 2009
They’ve finally got the right to marry and god dammit they are going to make theirs the biggest, bestest, lesbianist wedding of all time. But who will win? Bridezillas Cameron Esposito and Wanda Sykes, load up your Pinterest accounts because you’ve got some wedding war to wager.
Fight Club, 1999
My version would star the combined cast of Orange Is The New Black, Wentworth and Bad Girls, and be heavily inspired by the music video for Jessie J’s Do It Like A Dude. They’d be giving each other tattoos, bare-knuckle boxing and carving up huge slabs of meat. And they’d all be massive lesbians. The first rule of Fight Club? Tell everyone you know because it’s going to be awesome.
The Hangover, 2009
Kate Moennig, Leisha Hailey and Pam Grier go to an L Word Convention and got totally blathered. With hilarious consequences.
Lord Of The Rings, 2001
Liv Tyler and Cate Blanchett star as loved-up elf queens who are destined to be married and rule over Rivendell. Wedding guests will include Wanda Sykes and Cameron Esposito wearing elf ears. But before Liv and Cate can get on with being blissfully happy in their elf palace in the sky, they have to find a ring.
I know we’ve only just had an all-female reboot starring the glorious Kate McKinnon, for which I am extremely grateful. But I would have loved it even more if Jillian Holtzmann, and hell, the whole team, were queer as fuck and falling in love with each other in between busting ghosts.
The Horse In Motion, 1878
Well, why shouldn’t the world’s very first motion picture be about a lesbian? The original featured some bloke riding a horse, as you might have guessed from the snappy title. The remake would be just as succinct but with way more subtext. The jockey is now a woman, neigh (pun totally intended) a bi woman, trotting her way to a secret sapphic rendezvous. I’m thinking Ellen Page wearing a corset and jodhpurs for the rider and Black Beauty to play the lead role of Horse.
Only reading DIVA online? You’re missing out. For more news, reviews and commentary, check out the latest issue. It’s pretty badass, if we do say so ourselves.