Your fave musicals get a queer makeover courtesy of DIVA
BY ROXY BOURDILLON
Musicals make me so happy I want to shout it from the rooftops like I’m in an actual musical! Gosh, I wish it was more socially acceptable to burst into spontaneous song and dance in day-to-day life. Anyway, what doesn’t make me and my fellow thesbians happy is the outrageous lack of West End shows about lesbians and bi women. Dykes deserve razzle dazzle too, dammit! That’s why I decided to reimagine the greats with a gay girl twist…
Mamma Queer has booked a holigay to the Isle of Lesvos and arranged three blind dates through HER. She’s hoping to meet the woman of her rhinestone-studded dreams, but it’s tough to pick a favourite because they all look so fab in flares. At least they can have a giggle, boogying about in their bell bottoms to classic tracks like Waterlez, Dancing Queer, Lay All Your Lezzing On Me, Gimme Gimme Gimme A Woman After Midnight, and Does Your Mother Know (You’re A Homo).
It’s 19th century France and the streets are lined with wailing women, sobbing into their petticoats and wiping their schnozes on their bonnets as they weep about heartbreak, poor hygiene, and the fact they haven’t seen the first season of The L Word, let alone the reboot. To be fair, these lezzas have plenty to be grouchy about – short life expectancy, lack of voting rights, people constantly asking them which one’s the man… Critics have called Miserable Lezzas “an upbeat night out for all the family”. They lied.
WICKED 2: ELPHABA AND GLINDA GET IT ON
For starters, let’s all agree that Elphaba’s emerald hue is theatrical symbolism for her colossal queerness. When you think about it, there’s very little work to be done to make Wicked hella homoerotic. Who can honestly say they don’t ship Gelphaba? So let’s just take the subtext that’s already bubbling under the surface and put it out there in big Broadway lights for all to see: Elphaba falls head over pointy hat for popular pillow princess Glinda, they magically manage to play tonsil tennis without smudging Elphie’s luminous make-up all over Glindy’s gown, and the two fly away on a broomstick together. Altogether now – “I think I’ll try defying heterosexuality!”
THE C WORD
No, not that C word – take your mind out of the gutter, you filth bucket. In this case, C is for Cats, as in Moggies The Musical, as in all the cats owned by lesbians and bi women everywhere get together for a gossip about their mistresses’ dramarama. In between licking themselves, rubbing up against stuff and doing some thoroughly entertaining napping, the kitties sing ditties about love, loss, and the most absorbent brand of litter. Bound to be a smash hit because, let’s face it, we all love pussy.
Set in Rydyke High in the 1950s, Brylcreem is the classic lesbo love story of the T-Butches and the Pink Femmes. Our heroine, Dannielle Zuko, is played by none other than queen of the queers Ellen DeGeneres. She can mostly be found rocking a leather jacket, smoothing her quiff into place and fiddling with her engine. When she meets Sandy, portrayed by absolute dreamboat Portia de Rossi (obvs), it’s all Sapphic Summer Lovin’.
Find out which other musicals Roxy has given a queer makeover in the September 2017 issue of DIVA, available now at divadigital.co.uk.
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