“Looking back, I can laugh, but hey – these were real feelings at the time. I just needed some time to get a little perspective”
BY KATY ROBSON-MALONE
At both five and six weeks, I sat on my sofa crying… This is the time where I always struggle the most after having a baby. Emotions and hormone levels are still high and I find it hard to know which way is up.
By this point, most people stop being as concerned about how you are and expect that everything is hunky dory and you’ll have no doubt settled into your new routine when, the reality? It’s far from it.
Tiredness had taken on a whole new meaning and, with that, comes the inability to think clearly or deal with things in a rational manner. I found myself being upset a lot – for both good and bad reasons!
It was at this time that I felt that I must do better – and be better. That’s as a mum, a wife, a friend and a person and the intensity of it all weighed heavy on my shoulders. Feeling all of the above left me completely overwhelmed.
So near, yet so far
I was so thankful that my friends took the big girls swimming to lighten the load for me. I know they had a ball (plus, I don’t want to go swimming right now, for reasons like, wearing swimwear in public!)
So I was, and I am grateful, but I also felt upset with myself that I wasn’t the person helping my bigger kids to have a good time. That I wasn’t sharing in their joy. Generally, I feel that I need a break from all of the children – but I also want to be near to them and look after them and make sure they are ok. Confused? Me too.
Other people always seem to allow the older kids so much more fun than I do at this stage. I listen to friends who are more patient with them than me. They play better games with them than me. They make them laugh better than me. I feel like I’m just doing all of the serious stuff…
When I told my friend how I felt, sobbing, she said: “Yes, of course, they are better with your children when they only spend three minutes with them! You’re with them all day!”
She has a fair point. I can be the best me with anybody if I’m only with them for a short period of time. Leave me with them a whole day and that’s a whole other story…
A little perspective helps…
See? This is what tiredness and hormones do to you! Thank goodness for the wonderful people around me who can talk sense into me when I can’t work that stuff out for myself.
Those same lovely lot were there for me when I felt guilty for giving a dummy “too soon”. Looking back, I think, “Come on, Katy – give yourself a shake! It’s a dummy for goodness sake!” But when you’re deep in the fog, it really feels like you’re being a “bad mum” who can’t meet the needs of your little ones…
Looking back, I can laugh, but hey – these were real feelings at the time. I just needed some time to get a little perspective, or at least my friends to do it for me… To all you other mums out there, don’t be so hard on yourself, remember – at both five and six weeks, I sat on my sofa crying…
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