Your fave musicals get a queer make-over courtesy of DIVA
BY ROXY BOURDILLON
Musicals make me so happy I want to shout it from the rooftops like I’m in an actual musical! Gosh, I wish it was more socially acceptable to burst into spontaneous song and dance in day- to-day life. Anyway, what doesn’t make me and my fellow thesbians happy is the outrageous lack of West End shows about lesbians and bi women. Dykes deserve razzle dazzle too, dammit! That’s why I decided to reimagine the greats with a gay girl twist…
Mamma Queer has booked a holigay to the Isle of Lesvos and arranged three blind dates through HER. She’s hoping to meet the woman of her rhinestone- studded dreams, but it’s tough to pick a favourite because they all look so fab in flares. At least they can have a giggle, boogying about in their bellbottoms to classic tracks like Waterlez, Dancing Queer, Lay All Your Lezzing On Me, Gimme Gimme Gimme A Woman After Midnight, and Does Your Mother Know (You’re A Homo).
It’s 19th century France and the streets are lined with wailing women, sobbing into their petticoats and wiping their schnozes on their bonnets as they weep about heartbreak, poor hygiene, and the fact they haven’t seen the first season of The L Word, let alone the reboot. To be fair, these lezzas have plenty to be grouchy about – short life expectancy, lack of voting rights, people constantly asking them which one’s the man… Critics have called Miserable Lezzas “an upbeat night out for all the family”. They lied.
WICKED 2: ELPHABA AND GLINDA GET IT ON
For starters, let’s all agree that Elphaba’s emerald hue is theatrical symbolism for her colossal queerness. When you think about it, there’s very little work to be done to make Wicked hella homoerotic. Who can honestly say they don’t ship Gelphaba? So let’s just take the subtext that’s already bubbling under the surface and put it out there in big Broadway lights for all to see: Elphaba falls head over pointy hat for popular pillow princess Glinda, they magically manage to play tonsil tennis without smudging Elphie’s luminous make-up all over Glindy’s gown, and the two fly away on a broomstick together. Altogether now – “I think I’ll try defying heterosexuality!”
THE C WORD
No, not that C word – take your mind out of the gutter, you filth bucket. In this case, C is for Cats, as in Moggies The Musical, as in all the cats owned by lesbians and bi women everywhere get together for a gossip about their mistresses’ dramarama. In between licking themselves, rubbing up against stuff and doing some thoroughly entertaining napping, the kitties sing ditties about love, loss, and the most absorbent brand of litter. Bound to be a smash hit because, let’s face it, we all love pussy.
Set in Rydyke High in the 1950s, Brylcreem is the classic lesbo love story of the T-Butches and the Pink Femmes. Our heroine, Dannielle Zuko, is played by none other than queen of the queers Ellen DeGeneres. She can mostly be found rocking a leather jacket, smoothing her quiff into place and fiddling with her engine. When she meets Sandy, portrayed by absolute dreamboat Portia de Rossi (obvs), it’s all Sapphic Summer Lovin’.
A showstopping spectacular starring your favourite YouTubers – Rose
and Rosie, Bria and Chrissy, Shannon Beveridge, Hannah Hart, Ari Fitz and more. This cast is so epic it needs its own domain name. How about www. bestshowever.com? Expect tons of audio visual content, ROFLs aplenty, superkisses and clitbait. Songs will be performed by Fifth Harmony via Skype. Because with a little imagination and a strong wi-fi connection, anything is possible.
It’s the ultimate prison stage show with an ensemble cast combining stars from OITNB, Wentworth and Bad Girls, all decked out in 1920s flapper bobs and those fancy long cigarette holders. Top dogs from each institution go head-to-head in the battle to be chief bitch. The name on everybody’s lips is gonna be… Red/Shell Dockley/The Freak! And let’s throw in matron Mama Morton too because (a) she got all our gaydars going in the film and (b) who doesn’t love a Queen Latifah cameo? When you’re good to mama, mama’ll snog your face off in the exercise yard. It’s going to be a (prison) riot.
When we heard about The L Word sequel we all lost our shit. Can you imagine the social media meltdown if we got a full-blown musical too? I know they already did this in the telly show when Marina’s erotic modern dance troupe workshopped Jenny’s novel wearing nothing but PVC unmentionables, but we’d use the actual L Word cast. Yep, lucky audience members would be within sniffing distance of Kate Moennig, Jennifer Beals, Leisha Hailey et al. We’d even get BETTY on board to write the soundtrack. I’m not 100% clear on the plot, but I do know it involves a fair bit of talking, laughing, loving, breathing, fighting, fucking, crying, drinking, riding, winning, losing, cheating, kissing, thinking and dreaming. Because this is the way that we live. Alice brings the LOLs, Bette and Tina bring the romance and Shane’s hair brings its own choreographer.
This article first appeared in the September 2017 issue of DIVA – grab your digital copy right here!
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