I’m gonna try this whole modern dating thing and see what happens

BY THE CHEEKY CHARMER, IMAGE BY KAROLINA GRABOWSKA VIA PEXELS

I don’t know how to date. Which is ironic, given I’m writing a dating blog … What I mean is, I don’t know how to do the “modern” dating thing. You know, where you go on multiple dates with multiple people, whilst trying not to feel like the leader of a sex cult and gradually whittle it down until you’re left with one lucky winner who gets to be your wife. Potentially.

I’m told this is a sensible approach given that dating’s “a numbers game” and you’ve gotta kiss a lot of frogs before finding your princess (see what I did there?).

BUT. I. JUST. CAN’T. DO. THIS.

Here’s why…

  1. I’m a lesbian. Which needs no explanation – we’re notoriously bad at keeping it casual without getting attached.
  2. My hopeless romantic side is in constant conflict with my inner cheeky charmer. I’ve basically got a cartoon devil and angel on each shoulder. One’s reading poetry and weeping along to Titanic, the other’s scrolling through Tinder and winking at girls so much she’s in danger of losing a contact lens.
  3. I’m a lesbian.
  4. I’m also an accidental nob head. Or, as it’s otherwise known, “a people pleaser”, which involves inadvertent “stringing along” scenarios because you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. Which usually ends with hurting someone’s feelings.
  5. Did I mention I’m a lesbian?

Things were easier as a teenager. Someone asked you out and you were immediately a couple. If you went on a date with someone else, you were a two timer. Simples. Only problem is that’s burned itself into my psyche and brings me out in hives every time I contemplate modern dating (I don’t have hives).

via GIPHY

These days, we’re expected to do the following:

  1. You go on a date
  2. You go on more dates
  3. Congratulations you are now “dating”*
  4. After an unspecified time, known only to a chosen few, you are “Seeing each other”* Ah, the proverbial chicken and egg of dating. Aren’t dating and seeing each other the same thing?** 
  5. You have a conversation about “what this is”. Usually instigated by the needier one saying, “we need to have a conversation about what this is.”
  6. If you survive the “what this is” convo, congratulations, you are now in a relationship, pass go for and collect £200.**

*Dating and “seeing each other” are interchangeable depending on who you talk to.

**Dating and seeing each other are NOT the same thing. Apparently.

***do not collect £200 unless it’s a different type of relationship.

I JUST CAN’T GET MY HEAD AROUND IT.

But now, post pandemic, I’m determined to give it a go.

I’m new, renewed (I’m constantly confused) and looking for love after lock down. Or at least dates.

I’m gonna try this whole modern dating thing and see what happens. I give it a total of two dates before I’m telling you I’ve met the love of my life and a further two before I’m back tracking on that. Smart people would start a sweep stake NOW.

I’m off to a positive start. I’ve been on a few* dates already and only been blocked by two of them.

*I’ve been on two dates.

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