The Cheeky Charmer writes their letter to Santa asking to be moved off the naughty list
BY THE CHEEKY CHARMER, IMAGE BY JULIA LARSON VIA PEXELS
I wish I could say I’ve been good this year but we both know I’m The Cheeky Charmer for a reason. I’d blame the devil on my shoulder* but you’ll lecture me about taking responsibility for my own actions. However, if you could see your way to moving me off the naughty list, that would be nice (see what I did there?). Yes, I googled “elf on the shelf” porn and can’t unsee those images. I’ll never be able to look my elf on the shelf (otherwise known as Gingerbread Candy Cane) in the eye again. All in all, though, I think I’ve done pretty well. There’s only one thing I want for Christmas. It’s the same thing I ask for every year.
If you’ve got room on the sleigh, please could you bring me a girlfriend? She could ride one of the reindeers (and no, that’s not a euphemism). You see, I’d like nothing better than to wake up on Christmas morning and find her in my stocking. Or a pair of stockings (that would be better). Or the Mariah Carey Santa outfit. And I’m not talking about one of Mrs. Clause’s cast offs. You’re not palming me off with old lady pyjamas (no offence Mrs. C).
Admittedly it would be odd waking up and finding her nestled amongst the Quality Street at the bottom of a big sock. Mainly because we haven’t met yet and her random appearance in my bedroom would take some explaining.
But you get the picture.
What I’m after is this:
- The woman of my dreams. I don’t mean in a “she needs to be perfect” way. I mean the woman I see when I close my eyes. I’d like to see her when they’re open too.
- Someone to hold my hand and walk in the rain with (literal and metaphysical).
- The little spoon that fits the curve of me.
- Someone to do romantic things for, like leave poems in her lunch box.
- A bath buddy to lay among the bubbles.
- My movie night snuggle buddy.
- The one I pull in for tip-toe kisses. If she could put her arms around my neck and play with my hair, that would be aces.
- The woman who embraces my gender expression (and yes, I’m talking about my penchant for dodgy shirts).
- The woman I lose hours to kissing when we should be going out.
- The one who not only sees my soul but is part of it (sorry if you’ve just been sick in your beard).
- The woman who sees my (many) imperfections but loves me anyway.
- A sweet soul with a deep heart and kindness in her kisses (just been sick in my own beard**).
- The woman I’m better for and build a little world with.
Other than that, I’d settle for a selection box and some boxers but I’d prefer a girlfriend 😉.
See, I know I give it all The Cheeky Charmer chat, but you know the real me Santa, you’ve been coming down my chimney for a long time now (hope that joke doesn’t put me back on the naughty list).
And I could really do with a girlfriend to keep me out of trouble. It’s been a while and, as my family keep reminding me, I’m not getting any younger.
Plus, my heart aches just a little bit each day she’s not with me.
Really, all I want Santa is the woman who feels like Christmas to me.
Lots of love,
*A cartoon angel and devil perch on the Cheeky Charmer’s shoulders fighting the eternal battle against bad decisions.
**I don’t have a beard.
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