Fancy trying a spot of spanking or busting out some bondage? Welcome to the dungeon…
BY ROXY BOURDILLON, IMAGE VIA BROADLY GENDER SPECTRUM COLLECTION
It started with a sex bench. When Cara Delevingne and her girlfriend, actor Ashley Benson, were photographed carrying the Master Series Obedience Extreme Sex Bench into their Hollywood home, Gay Twitter was orgasmic. And so, presumably, were Cara and Ashley when they tried out their brand, quite literally, spanking new bit of kit later on. The bonking bench’s box, clearly displayed in those now iconic pap shots, is covered in taglines declaring, “Ergonomically designed for deeper penetration!” and, “Perfect for a spanking punishment!’ Cara opened up about her toppy tendencies on RuPaul’s What’s The Tee? podcast, revealing, “That whole courting process of power is very interesting… I find it quite difficult to receive pleasure and love and things like that, so I love to give.”
So where do you start with sadomasochism?
While celesbian supercouples flaunting their sex toys and discussing domming in interviews certainly gives BDSM extra cool points, it doesn’t prevent that whole area seeming a teeny bit intimidating to total novices. How exactly does one do a Delevingne? Cara and Ashley’s sexual apparatus of choice currently sells on Amazon for a whopping (or should that be whipping) £520, but you don’t have to break the bank or install a dungeon in your spare room just because you’re curious about kink. Now, before we get all tied up with practical advice and Shibari Japanese bondage rope, let’s clarify something.
What the heck is BDSM?
The four letter acronym actually stands for six words, split into three pairs – “bondage and discipline” (basically using restraint and being bossy in the bedroom), “dominance and submission” (power dynamics in sexual roles), and “sadism and masochism” (the joy of inflicting and receiving pain). BDSM is consensual sexual play that incorporates any or all of the above. This can be as simple as pinning your girlfriend’s hands above her head while you snog her, or as intense as entering into a full-time, consensual, master-slave relationship where your partner tells you when to eat, when to bathe, and when to mount your sex bench.
Do it like a domme
Searching for more information about this sprawling yet seductive subject, I turn to one of my favourite queer sex gurus, Luna Matatis. Luna is an expert in all things saucy, offering brilliant sex ed webinars, one-on-one Pleasure Coaching, and a fabulous Do It Like A Domme online course (lunamatatas.com). She tells me, “Getting started with BDSM is exciting and intimidating! We might feel conflicted about things that turn us on. We might experience shame around desires, bodies and identities. We might feel excluded by mainstream BDSM stereotypes. Lots of physical and emotional pieces to navigate.”
Safety first, spanking second
One thing all sexperts agree on is that consent and safety are paramount. Within the BDSM community, you often hear the term “SSC”, meaning “safe, sane and consensual”. Whatever kind of play you’re interested in, research it thoroughly in advance, paying particular attention to potential risks and how to minimise them. Before you get your ass flogged, get it on Google, check out a BDSM workshop, take one of Luna’s wonderful classes, and remember to communicate as much as possible with your partner. That means talking to each other before, during and after. It can be helpful to write individual yes/no/maybe lists, specifying which activities you’re personally turned on by, open to trying and not at all up for. Establish boundaries, share anxieties and disclose your deepest desires.
Safe words are sexy
Decide on a code word in case you need to stop proceedings abruptly. Choose one that suits the kind of play you’re planning. “No” or “stop” might not work in every situation, so go for something short, clear, and incongruous like, “IKEA” or “carabiner”. Safe words don’t have to be verbal. In fact, it’s sometimes far more sensible if they’re not. There’s no point agreeing on a safe word of “Gentleman Jack’s giant thermometer” if you’re going to be wearing a ball gag. In Lovehoney’s Bondage Gone Wilde YouTube series, sexpert Jess Wilde recommends using safety signals like tapping on a table, ringing a bell, or frantically waving your jazz hands.
Broaching the topic of bondage
It’s probably best not to spring a surprise BDSM sesh on your partner without discussing the matter first. Initiate a conversation about what feels good, and things you’re curious about. Be careful about the language you choose. Terms like “bondage”, “BDSM” and “sensory deprivation” might freak them out, so opt for a softer approach: “I’ve been fantasising about being more in charge during sex.” “How would you feel about trying a bit of tie and tease next time we do it?”
Non-scary ways to explore BDSM
Start small and, if you’re both into it, you can always venture further in future encounters. Dirty talk allows you to explore fantasies aloud before trying them out physically. If you find yourself tongue-tied, erotica can provide useful examples of different kinds of sexual language and power dynamics. Again, chat about what you’re into ahead of time, particularly when it comes to “degrading” nicknames. Your partner may well go buck wild when you call them a “filthy slut”, but best make sure of that beforehand to avoid unmitigated disaster and the possible end of your relationship. It’s all about communication and consent, baby. Role-play can also provide a helpful framework, within which to explore. Choose scenarios with a clear power dynamic like doctor/patient, teacher/student, Cara/Ashley.
For info about Luna’s online sex coaching, visit lunamatatas.com
This article originally appeared in the February 2020 issue of DIVA – grab your digital copy right here!
